


flip a switch (god i want to feel again)

by bluesky_daydreaming



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Let him heal, M/M, POV Andrew Minyard, Please Be careful, Song fic, graphic depictions of recovery, it's andrew, let him feel, nothing is graphic or explicitly stated but it is alluded to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:07:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26557111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesky_daydreaming/pseuds/bluesky_daydreaming
Summary: "Andrew Minyard was not born alone. He is sure that he came into the world screaming minutes before or minutes after his brother.He thinks that perhaps that was the only time anyone was able to hear him scream."****Or: Andrew Minyard's journey with feeling.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 3
Kudos: 73





	flip a switch (god i want to feel again)

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags! Nothing in this fic is graphic but Andrew's past is reference to and I want everyone to be safe! 
> 
> This is my second AFTG fic because I have no self control and am currently procrastinating on my novel. 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated because I am a validation whore. 
> 
> This fic is based on "Touch" by Sleeping at Last.

_When will I feel this as vivid as it truly is?_

Andrew Minyard was not born alone. He is sure that he came into the world screaming minutes before or minutes after his brother. 

He thinks that perhaps that was the only time anyone was able to hear him scream. 

The foster system is not nice on the best of occasions. The children in the system all exist as dead eyed shells of what children are meant to be, watching with horror and hope as couples come through looking for children to take home. 

He thinks that, perhaps, horror and hope are the defining factors of his childhood. 

But the problem is that hope collapses in the face of horror and the reality is the horror is much more common and Andrew is so well acquainted with it that - 

Well. It’s easier to feel nothing than to be afraid. 

It’s easier to feel nothing than to utter _please_ and have hope crushed beneath the heavy hand of horror. 

It is easier to feel nothing than to let hope flare at the thought of a brother than to let hope be crushed by the utterance of _a matched set._

So, Andrew allows his life to exist without color and without emotion and tells himself that it is easier. 

It is easier to feel nothing than to feel too much. 

But sometimes he hears Nicky laugh and he sees Aaron smile and he forces himself not to ache because all that wanting and feeling lead to is more and more ache and he has had enough of that to last him several lifetimes. 

He settles for protecting them the only way that he knows how. 

Violently and emotionlessly. 

If they mistake his loyalty for cruelty he tells himself that he does not care. 

_Invisible machinery these moving parts inside of me, well, they've been shutting down for quite some time, leaving only rust behind_

The drugs light up the world but the neon lights drown out any feeling that may have been fighting to the surface. 

They add _mania_ but mania is not feeling. 

The world gives him a wider birth, Aaron and Nicky watch him as though he is from an alien planet. 

Kevin follows him like a dog because he has no one else and he is more than used to maniacs. The difference is having one that is on his side. 

Wymack is different. He does not shy away from Andrew’s violence or his mania. He takes things as they are and does not push. 

Andrew would be touched if he could feel anything at all. 

His apathetic mask suddenly becomes true to life. 

His smile stays firmly on his face while every emotion he has ever felt rots behind his eyes, rusting and crashing and he cannot do anything to stop it, does not want to, does not care. 

He feels nothing, nothing, _nothing._

_I know, I know the sirens sound, just before the walls come down_

Neil Josten is a rabbit and liar and threat. 

He looks at Kevin with visible awe and barely concealed horror. He has a binder that ties together a life Andrew does not understand. He hides blue eyes beneath brown contacts. 

Even drugged on a dancefloor he projects his secrets, wrapping them so tightly around his fingers and shoving them so deeply into his mind that he gets himself knocked out by a stranger. 

And Andrew thinks _huh._

Then Neil runs. Hitchhikes. Glares at Andrew with distrust and anger and _that_ is something he is used to. Distrust is something Andrew can work with. 

Neil Josten has a smart mouth and he is going to get himself killed mouthing off to Riko. His sharp tongue lashes out to protect Kevin, to protect the Foxes, to protect _him_ by some extension, even though that is the opposite of their deal. 

Neil _asks._

Neil asks him for things. He never expects, never takes, never pleads. He asks and he accepts Andrew’s answers and that is what makes him a pipe dream. 

Andrew is not the kind of person who gets to have good things, who gets to have _choice._

Neil asks him to go to the not-Thanksgiving. 

Neil is there after. 

He blames Neil because having choice has never been safe for Andrew and he cannot comprehend anything else. He made a choice. He got hurt. 

Neil places Andrew’s hand over the scars on his stomach and something rings in Andrew’s head that he cannot quite place, but he lets Neil have Kevin anyway. He does not know why. 

And then for nearly two months all he knows is withdrawal and Proust. 

_All I want is to flip a switch before something breaks that cannot be fixed_

He returns to Palmetto to muted bright oranges and Neil’s blue eyes and ignores the flash of feeling in his chest at the sight of it all. 

Nothing. He feels nothing. He can only feel nothing. 

_“You are a pipe dream.”_ He says. Neil tells him otherwise. 

He tells Neil to let _him_ do the protecting. 

Neil says: _“If it means losing you, then no.”_

Andrew kisses him and then hates himself because he is not allowed to have things. He is not allowed to want things. 

And the scariest part of it all is that he wants to want this with Neil but he fears it more

He aches to feel, his fingers reaching for that part of his mind, that _switch,_ but then he remembers - he can never forget - the ache of loss, and he feels nothing. 

But for the first time, Andrew cannot force himself away from something. 

Neil asks. Neil keeps his hands to himself. Neil says _yes._ Neil understands _no._ Neil still does not push. 

Neil says, _“The next any of them call you soulless, I might have to fight them.”_

Andrew says, _“This is nothing.”_

Andrew says, _“I hate you.”_

Neil says, _“Every time you say that, I believe it less and less."_ There is a kind of understanding between them that Andrew cannot name.

He allows himself the barest semblance of _want_ and then Neil is gone. 

_Pain is a well intentioned weatherman, predicting God as best he can, but God I want to feel again._

Andrew tears through a raging crowd, feels an elbow fly into his face, and keeps going, going, going because Neil would not leave his bag. Neil is a rabbit by nature but he clings desperately to things that are his and he would _not_ leave this behind. 

_Thank you, you were amazing._

Neil’s phone rings uselessly in the pocket of his duffle bag, and Andrew feels - _feels! -_ anger ripping through him. 

And something else. Something inside of him seems hurt. Something hurts. He ignores it. 

He wraps his hands around Kevin’s throat and barely lets himself be pulled away. He stalks and snarls and ends up with himself handcuffed to Wymack. 

And finally Neil is back in front of him and he refuses to name the emotion that is trying to fight through him. 

Each scar on Neil’s face is proof that he is alive. 

_I want to stay._

_I don’t trust them to give you back._

He listens as Neil tells the FBI his entire story. He watches as Neil’s eyes dart to him, perhaps unconsciously, as he speaks, like he is waiting for Andrew to decide when he has heard enough. 

Despite his better judgement, Andrew allows himself a choice. 

He chooses to keep Neil. 

It will hurt. It always does. 

But pain is inevitable and maybe, maybe, feeling pain is better than feeling nothing. 

Maybe Andrew wants to feel something. 

_Wants to._

And that hurts more than anything because he is not sure if feeling for him is really feeling at all.

But then - 

Later, so much later, when Neil stares up at him, his blue eyes wide and full of _something,_ his cheeks flushed and the ghost of a smile on his face, Andrew _feels._

“I hate you.” He mutters, and Neil laughs. 

He _laughs._

“No you don’t.” 

Andrew could argue, but he chooses instead to finish kissing his way down Neil’s neck, listening to his breathing stutter. 

Neil _wants_ Andrew. 

And Andrew is allowing himself to want _Neil._

A four letter word forms in his head, and goosebumps race down his arms. It makes him freeze for a second, and Neil notices, because he always does, and he pulls his face away from Andrew’s shoulder. 

“Still yes?” He asks. 

Andrew looks down at him, sees the concern written in Neil’s eyes, marvels at the sincerity of it. 

“Still yes.” 

Neil’s eyes light up, and Andrew kisses the smile off of his mouth. 

_Down my arms a dozen satellites suddenly discover signs of life_

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Check out my other stuff if you wanna.  
> I'm also on Tumblr, same user name if you wanna check me out there. I mostly reblog TRC, AFTG, PJO memes, and just regular ones. Some of my fics are on there, too, but if they're on Tumblr, they are also on AO3


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